Into The Unknown.

First thing, I hope everyone had a good Memorial day.

I don't know what I did this weekend, but I know my wife is mad at me. Someday I hope to just slightly understand something about women. At this point I don't care what it is, I just want to understand something about them, anything. I feel at a complete lose when it comes to understanding the opposite sex. I know I did something wrong, I know I should already know what I did, and I know I don't have a clue as to what it is that I did. When I finally figure out what I did, I'm sure it will have been to late.

I have a head cold and it's driving me crazy. I can't breath or stop sneezing, and my eyes are heavy and watery. I took medication for it and I think it was a night time med. I feel really worn out. I would give up dinner and go straight to bed tonight, except for the entire deal with my wife being upset. That would probably make things MUCH worse. I'm sure to sleep well tonight.

Well, I need to check out some sites and get more information to revamp my blog.
Best.

Hell in a well.

My title (to this blog) means nothing. I hate them. Maybe I should just start with A, and work my way through the alphabet. Or, just pick a random letter every now and then.

Sitting at this computer at work, listening to Nine Inch Nails just seems naughty. If anyone knew what was in my ears, well I don't know. I guess it would vary greatly from person to person. Some would probably be shocked. Yet others would just say,"That's just him." It is nice to have the ability to listen to something that no one else can hear. Then everyone looks at you and wonders. If only they knew what I've listened to on occasion. Shock, Awe, Amazement, Embarrassment, Confusion. What would really throw them for a loop is what I've heard when I wasn't listening to anything.

I'm getting away from the negativity that people regurgitate in this place. There have been times when groups would get together to do nothing more then complain. No topic is neglected and the conversation flows from one topic to the next, nonstop. After listening to several self-help audio books, I've learned to either change the attitudes or change my area. It seems to be working. I haven't thought anything negative for more than a few minutes.

Now, I am a relatively dark person (dark humor, dark thinker, etc.), and I've never been seen as much of an optimist. I just found a way to keep me from looking down on anyone due to another's thoughts/ideas, and stay away from rumors. I hate rumors, unless I start them. The rumors I start are about me, to see who will ask me about them and see how much they change. The things that are added and/or changed are hilarious. Just something to keep me amused. And what's more amusing than people's egos and eccentricities. Who needs a soap opera when you have a workplace?

Time to go. Going to check on some other sites and look-up some information before I have to go back to work (on break now). I can say that I'm getting faster at typing since I've started blogging. It only took me a few minutes to type this up, and even less to think it up.

Best.

Training

I was pleasantly surprised with the training course I went to. The speaker was very entertaining and taught me more then I thought he would. It was very productive and I would recommend it to anyone dealing with people. Now I have several books/audiobooks to look for. I still don't understand the fact that I'm getting paid to go to a seminar that my company paid for. Weird.

Off to do some research.
Best.

Waiting for......Something.....I guess.

Well, I just got the official news of my grade raise. I will be making more money for doing nothing more than what I'm doing now. The only difference is, I needed to write a paper on all the things I do in the course of my job, and give it to my supervisor to look over and rewrite. That is sent before a committee who reads it and determines if I do more in the course of my job than is required in my current job description. If this is so, I get a grade raise. TADA! Tax money being well spent on committees, sub-committees, and committees discussing what committees/sub-committees to create.

Another great expense happens tomorrow. I will be in training for which the government paid for. As I will not be at work, I will receive Authorized Absence pay. That is; I will be paid, by the government, for a day of work which will be spent at a class, paid for by the government. And all of this will be done for/given to me in the procurment of the previously mentioned raise, as I need to get training outside of the facility as proof that I am going above and beyond my job description. I'm doing it and writting about it and I still don't understand.

We'll see how it goes.
Best.

Random Thoughts

As I said yesterday, I've gotten into audio books (due to the fact that I recently received an MP3 player). I've been listening to self-help books (probably the cause of my self doubts), older books I've already read, and books of deep thought. At this moment, I'm listening to Stephen Hawking. This man has an incredible mind. If you know anything about him, you know he has all but lost the control of his body. It's interesting to think that he's such a brilliant thinker because of this fact. Would he still be so brilliant if his body was more than a decrepit vessel for his brain? Would he not be as intelligent if he hadn't lost everything of his being except his mind? I often wonder if he is the person he is because he was left with nothing but his mind to work with. We only use ten percent of our brain; imagine what we would be capable of if we learned to tap into the true power of our mind. A myriad of comic books have been written about this topic. Go figure.

It's been said that "All the worlds a stage." Lately, I feel as though I'm waiting to buy a ticket to the theatre, without any money, and they're sold out. It's as though I'm losing the battle to maintain control of my life. Everything seems to be running away from me and I just can't catch up to it. Yet, I'm remaining calm about everything, not letting things upset me. It's just a weird feeling.

From my past, I've always believed I had something going on. I just couldn't place my finger on it. When I started Nursing school I spoke to some people about it. They said to talk to my doctor about my thoughts. He refused to give a "diagnosis" because I was working through it and he didn't want to "label" me with a problem as it might hinder me in the future (smart man). As such, I've often wondered what category I'd fall into. I've worked with all sorts of psych patients in my years of nursing, especially in the prison system. I sort of think I might have small - very small - essences of manic. I'm a little O.C. (obsessive compulsive). But again, I work through it. It's just that I can see it in the things I do. The problem is, I think I'm either in a manic stage or going into one. My insomnia is returning and I get into jags where I'll go and not eat (not that you could tell) because I'm working intently on something. That's why one of my distant future "projects" is to build a work shed. It would be nice to have a place to work on/with wood and metal and get a little primal once in a while. There's nothing more calming, to me, then working with your hands to create something. It would also help to have a place to store all of my non-essential items.

I'm off tomorrow and hope to give an hour or two to work on fixing up this blog a little. I'm having trouble finding what addition has caused the pop-up ads. I may have to scrap the whole project and rebuild. I should know more tomorrow.

Till then.
Best.

Pop-up ads??!!

I didn't realize I had pop-up ads on my blog!!! I hate them, and I apologize to everyone for them. I WILL revamp it and remove all those little ads I placed on it. I am truly distressed over this fact. I have been saying for some time that I needed and wanted to redo this thing, I just haven't taken the time.

If you haven't realized, I'm turning over a new leaf (or trying to). I have to quit putting things off so much. I have oh so many things I want to do and get done but I always seem to get turned away. NO MORE! I've made up my mind to set goals and keep them.

I guess all the audio books I've been listening to have had an impact. I've gotten into listening to them when I'm doing other things. I won't listen to a book I truly want to read, only those that I don't think I'll care too much about. I figure if I find I actually like it I'll read it. I love to read, but with everything I need to do, I don't seem to be able to proportion my time. Maybe that will be the next book I listen to?

Life seems to be hectic at the moment. Anxiety and turmoil reigns. It will be difficult to stop putting things off with everything I need to work on. It's just something I must do. Bite the bullet and bear down to work through the pain. There's something in every aspect of my life to work on.

There is good news. A friend of ours got back in touch with us yesterday. She seems to be doing incredible. She has signed a book deal for four (?) books. If not four then three, as I haven't talked to her to get it straight. I can't say enough good things about the family. Her and her husband are the most astounding people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I can say, with no reserve, that I have valued every conversation I've had with them. Each time I felt as though I took more from them than I gave. They are in that narrow margin of people I consider impressive.

It surprises me none that she has signed the book deal that she has. They both have an unimaginable mind, and their experiences are second only to a few. I haven't read a bit of the book, as is hasn't been released, and am chomping at the bit awaiting the possibilities. It seems to be a Young Readers book. From the slight description I've seen, I'm guessing it's the feminine version of the Harry Potter series (or in that genre somewhere). He's her website so you can check it out for yourself - http://www.melissa-marr.com. I'll try to let you know the release date when I learn. (Just reiterating that I have yet to say/here two words from them in years as my wife and son talked to her last night. Soon enough I guess.)

It was amazing to see how the entire family radiated with excitement and anticipation when our friend called. She called my parents first, early in the day when we were at work. My father told my wife about it, and when she checked our voice mail, she found a message from her. She called her back when we got home and got her voice mail. Then, everyone was all a twitter with expectations. My son never talks on the phone. He talked to her for over a half an hour! And it wasn't just, "Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes." He tried to tell her everything that happened in just a few minutes. Afterwards, he was on cloud nine.

I kind of have mixed feelings about rejoining the friendship. I'm intoxicated over their success. But, it makes me question my own deeds. Have I moved forward in life? Have I done anything at all? What have I accomplished? Maybe I have feelings of inferiority. It makes you take a self inventory of your life. I think the biggest thing I have a problem with is our house. It's old and too small for us. It needs a lot of work done to it. I think I mentioned (spoken as "complained) it in a blog previously. The best thing that could be done to it is to take a match to it and put it out of it's misery.

Oh well. I'll be receiving two raises this month, I think. I was already given a step increase and I'm told I will be getting a grade increase. That will help things out. In due time we will be able to afford a bigger, better house. It's just frustrating trying to make due with the house we have when we need so much more from it. We do not have anyone in as we are embarrassed of it. I hope they don't want to come here for a visit. It's very ratty and just not big enough to entertain anyone in. And it's not even the fact that they would judge us badly for it. It's just a source of humiliation for us. It's really bad when our eldest wants to help get a new house. He was entered into a poetry contest by his teacher/school. Among all the student in several schools, his poem was one of a few chosen to be published in a book. They will be judged and the poet voted to have the best poem will receive three thousand dollars. a couple of days ago, he said he hoped he won. When asked what he would do with the money, he asked if he would be able to put it towards a down payment on a house with our money. What do you say to that?

I guess that everything that happened recently built up to self doubt. It's not a good feeling being unable to give your children what they need. And they truly need a bigger, better house. One of the things I have to work feverishly on. The one good thing about it is we have never bought a house before - first time buyers discounts. I'm sure to keep anyone interested in the progress, as when we do get a house, I won't be able to contain myself.

That's enough ranting, praising, kow-towing, B@*%$ing, and worshipping for now. More next time.

Best.